Whoa. This I didn’t expect. After being made to suffer through the screening of two of the most highly anticipated films of 2009: ‘Transformers 2: Revenge of the fallen’ (ROTF) and ‘Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince’ (THBP), it seemed almost certain that 2009 was not going to be a very bright year for films. Bold as that claim may be (What about Star Trek? Terminator Salvation? The Train Molester Spycam? Opps… wrong film) I am making the comparison against the current two biggest chart toppers, which are the two previously mentioned.
"O la la. You can take me prisoner anytime."
Honestly, I wasn’t expecting much from G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (TROC). The earlier trailer seemed decently impressive, even with a sneak peak of the so called clunky-looking ‘Delta 6 Accelerator Suits’ (Looking at it somehow brings ‘HALO’ to mind), but having already been put off by the dissaspointment of both ROTF and THBP I expected the worst from TROC as well. Turns out, there is hope after all for the Joes. Here’s why:
1. There are characters actually worth remembering
… or rather, you could say that you can ACTUALLY remember them. ROTF had a heavy cast of new robots from both the autobot and deception fractions, but other than those already mentioned in the first movie (Transformers), we were pretty much left to figure out who the rest of those robots were as well as their significance to the plot. Hell, not even the casual fans could figure out the identities of some of the robots, let alone wonder if their transformation mode ended up in being a car, bicycle or a condom dispensing machine. For TROC on the other hand, you could actually relate something unique to almost every G.I. JOE character regardless of their JOE/COBRA identities, be it a skill, weapon choice, intelligence, creepiness or just plain stupidity. There is of course a specific focus laid out for some characters (Well you can’t expect EVERY G.I JOE to be detailed out in a single movie now can you?) which could have been done better but nevertheless, I suppose we’re pretty happy about it. From the battle between the two ninjas and the almost cheesy love story plot between Duke and the Baroness + Ripcord and Scarlett, these are definitely characters which you will remember better than a bunch of ‘nameless’ robots marching around almost aimlessly from ROTF.
SnakeEyes: I eat sushi for breakfast, lunch and dinner... with my mask on
2. G.I. JOE is actually a fun film to watch
Let’s not remind ourselves of the idiotic twin autobot brothers from ROTL whose character involvement I believe was to actually to induce humor within the film, only to be greeted with a long irritating disbelief of “What the fuck?”. Let’s face it. If ROTF was meant to be funny, it failed. Not only did it seemed stupid that a bunch of ALIEN robots tried to make an impression of the ghetto attitude, it seemed even more stupid that a pet spy decepticon-turned-autobot actually tried to hump Megan Fox’s leg doggy style. Probably the only consolation with regards to humor for the film was when the idiotic but lovable Agent Simmons was sought back into the plot. But it couldn’t flush out the ridiculousness of the autobot twins. As for TROC, the idea casting of Marlon Wayans to play Ripcord seemed like an almost genius idea, as he delivers his form of humor is its sheer raw state. You’ve got to admit, it would’ve have been a pretty boring film without him. The stupidly involved almost makes you wonder if real idiots like him actually exist in a highly classified/trained military group.
Scene - When handling the accelerator suits
Breaker: Careful! They’re (The suits) worth billions of dollars!
Ripcord: (*Wearing suit) Billions of dollars, I got it.
(*Ripcord then falls over smashing the suit backwards in to the ground)
Ripcord: My bad! Won’t happen again!
(*Turns around and gets smashed by a car)
RipCord: Billions of dollars? No problem. I can definitely break it
3. Stephen Sommers (G.I. JOE’s director) actually did it right
Sure, Michael Bay (Trasnformers 1, 2 director) is almost like Michael Jackson when it comes to films, having achieve it with several major films in the past (Bad Boys I & II, The Rock, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor etc) but the problem with Michael Bay is that he likes to blow shit up so much that sadly, ROTF blew up in a bad turn for the worse. Now, mention the name Stephen Sommers, and a few films a few films will come to mind: the Mummy Series (All three films), The Scorpion King, and perhaps Van Hellsing. My thought was, is he ready to get out of the desert and medieval vampire hunting scene to actually produce a movie of this caliber? I have to be honest, “The Mummy” films weren’t that great to begin with (Tomb of the Dragon Emperor? WTF) and “Van Hellsing” was almost as ridiculous as the Transformers Angel scene. But where I suspected it will go all wrong in G.I. Joe (Like maybe the G.I. Joes find a mummy tomb and turns into werewolves, battling against the Cobra units who turn out to be… vampires) it actually went pretty well. There was the main plot ensuing the battle between the Joes and Cobra units, as well as side plots between rivals (Who doesn’t think that the ninja fight scene wasn’t cool?) and past relationships which made you go “Hmmmmm oh ok…”, before you are eventually presented the final scene and find out ‘WOOOOOTT!*censored’ [Seriously, watch the film yourself].
4. The science involved is actually believable
So you have a merchant of war, selling highly advanced arms and weapons to both sides. Plus, they’re not just any ordinary arms - Nanomites: microscopic robotic forms which will DISINTERGRATE THE HELL out of anything it touches. (Hmm… ‘The Day The Earth Stood Still’ anyone?) Now that’s freaking scary. Its not like bullets where you can at least dodge if you can predict its trajectory, but how do you escape something destructive that’s on a minute scale going haywire everywhere? And considering the fact that already the cruisers, delta 6 suits, pulse guns and whatever gadgetry shown in TROC is seemingly far advanced than what we know now, (Well unless it secretly exists currently) it does (in the beginning of the film) mention that ‘In the not so distant future’, which bridges the line of ‘were-not-at-that-stage-of-technology-yet!’ with ‘Hahaha… die motherfuckers! *boom boom pow’. Whatever-near future that is at, at least the buildings and cars still look oddly the same.
"O well. At least i got to see it before it got destroyed"
5. T2: Revenge of the Fallen was a terribly TERRIBLE movie to begin with
It’s undeniable that ROTF still has the best damn CG we’ve ever laid eyes on. In fact, I was so in awe of it I literally wet myself from drooling over the span of the entire show. (Megan Fox included) However, you can’t judge it by CG alone. It’s no argument that the plot for ROTF is one of the worst we’ve seen, and there were plenty of things which made little sense, like how there seemed to be a connection between the number of decepticons present and the rate of their success. Remember the first movie? Blackout (The helicopter transforming deception) wiped out an ENTIRE U.S. military base in the blink of an eye, whilst stealing data regarding the cube from them at the same time. But in ROTF, Megatron led AN ARMY of deceptions against a puny squad of humans in the desert who, (some) were still armed with regular bullets (They said only Sabot rounds were effective against the robots in Transformers 1) aided by only a handful of autobots, but still couldn’t overthrow them. Also I find it hard to believe that where Optimus Prime was merely the ‘brother of Megatron’ in the first film with almost zero chance of winning a one-to-one combat, (Optimus Prime: Sam! If I can’t defeat Megatron you must call the Power Rangers!) suddenly emerges as one of the ‘Divine Primes’ in the second. Hmmm… character change anyone? You might as well call him ‘Neo’. And Jetfire is a freaking robot! Why the hell does a robot need a walking stick????
JetFire: What are you talking about? Its COOL to have a walking stick isn't it?
In essence, the standard expectation line set from ROTF wasn’t very high to begin with, which is probably why I probably found TROC highly entertaining in comparison. Still you have to keep in mind, while ROTF is Transformers second film, (In which the first Transformers did brilliantly well) TROC is G.I. Joes first feature film. So far they have a great next plot to exploit, plenty of room to improve and the only thing they need to watch out for is to not screw it up like how ROTF did.
Shoes. Sneakers. Boots. 'Selipar Jepun', Stilletoes. etc. The usual footwear which keeps your feet safe from the ground's lurking unknowns: shards, poop, stones, poop, sandy ground and of course, well... poop. I made extra effort in mentioning 'poop' (there it goes again) because we all know damn well how much we hate having it smeared on our lovely footwear. Its like a hideous giant wart or pimple on the ground which causes everyone to go, "EWWWWW POOP!" *stepsaside upon sight.
Regardless of where, people will avoid stepping on poop. There is no such thing as a poop too beautiful or fragrant enough for you to willingly want to step on it. HOWEVER. There are times where the unthinkable happens. You walk down the road daydreaming about that guy/girl you just saw, or perhaps just looking casually at the clouds thinking, "O man, what a beautiful day!", when suddenly you realized your feet just landed on something squishy before touching the ground. (Worse still if you can feet the warmth of it) Oh no. You've just been 'poop-ed'. And of all days where you least expect it to happen, it had to be that day when you have your new pair of armanigoldenlaceddiamondstudded sneakers on. FML.
Well, what you didn't know is, the 'poop-ed' experience which sometimes happens to unlucky victims isn't coincidental. Yes that's right. It isn't. You sometimes 'accidentally' stepped on poop simply because of one factor: You did not pay your respects to the shoe deity.
Shoe Deity - aka shoe god. A supreme being whose character and existence overseas the universal domain on shoes. Note: It is not known if the shoe deity is straight or gay as sometimes we observe some pretty fucked up footwear being worn by 'certain' people.
Yes. The Shoe Deity. One who reigns dominion over 'Shoe Society', a place where shoes go after they wear off and die. (Not to be confused with 'Soul Society' from 'Bleach') If you've never heard of the shoe deity, its probably the reason why poop have been appearing on the paths you walk and the reason why you've been stepping on poop all your life. YOU HAS TA GIV DA RESPECT BABEH. RESPECT. Fortunately for you, I am going to reveal how this is exactly done.
First - As with all known deities, pleasing one is normally done with an offering/sacrifice. So what kind of offering/sacrifice would one offer a Shoe Deity? Foot fetish videos? Shoe deodorants? Hell no. Its shoes of course. Why would a Shoe Deity want anything else?
Pictured below are some of the offerings you can offer to ensure you a poop-ed free year. (Yes, its not a one-off thing. Has to be done yearly. Kinda like taxes) Its acceptable to offer worn out shoes, (since they need to pass on to 'Shoe Society' anyway) but if you feel like offering BRAND NEW shoes, they'd have to be specifically branded (Topman, Armani, Gucci, Nike, Puma or Adidas) and a particular size (Size 9-UK) and offered to a specific address. (Email me for address) The reason for this is so that I... I mean the person staying at the stated address can verify if your offering is acceptable or not.
Next, you'll have to find a 'sacred hanging monument' whereby to offer your shoes. The good thing is, there is one in Heaton, just on the down path after passing through Heaton park. (Picture below) For the ease of explanation, we'll just refer to it from now on as 'The Tree'.
Now, to offer your shoes you'd have to allow it some sort of way to hang on 'The Tree'. The best way so far is to hook them up with shoe laces together so that you can launch them up and tangle them easier. Kinda like this...
Now. Not only is the shoe lace binding method efficient but it also pleases the Shoe Deity. You see, to the Shoe Deity the laces are like noodles. Om nom nom nom nom...
Oh and there is one other thing to keep in mind. The Shoe deity does not favor Manchester United fans. If you're a Man U fan and want to make an offering, you'd have to ask a third party to make an offering in your place as the Shoe Deity will not accept your offering. An example of a Man U fan is below...
"Thats bullshit! How can the shoe deity tell if i'm a Man U fan?" you say? Don't be stupid. The Shoe Deity knows all. "The Tree" is a sacred place and is thus guarded by demon patrol dogs. I don't have a photo of the dogs (because you can't actually capture deity beings on camera) but i can show you a photo of the terrified Man U fan below hanging on to the person with the pokka dot shirt.
Okay. So before 'launching' the offerings up a little warm up is perhaps needed. After all, you don't want to pull a muscle when making an offering. A simple stretch is sufficient.
Next, avoid from being too cocky. Just because you think you can launch your shoe offering in a single attempt doesn't mean you'll succeed. Pictured below is a classic example of that...
Cocky-boy in blue shirt: I'm SOOO skilled im going to get it stuck on the tree in a single try!
Result: Shoe flew way past cocky-boy's head, 20 meters BEHIND. Cocky boy is now has to retrieve back the offering.
Girl in pokka dot shirt: GONG GONG BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
And so cocky-boy attempts second launch into 'The Tree'...
Beside 'cocky-boy' is 'uber coolness-maximus boy', who shows him how the launch is REALLY done. (Yes. You can clap now)
Uber coolness-maximus boy's shoes all hanging in the tree from sheer throwing awesomeness.
And finally, after the 43,634,789th attempt, cocky-boy manages to get his shoe offering up on the tree.
And thus concludes the offering. Shoe Deity is now pleased, and you can be sure to have a poop free experience for the rest of the year until your next offering. If you do step on one it could be the Lao Sai Deity you haven't made an offering to. Whats the difference you ask? Well poop is firmer, Lao Sai is not. But there are times when you cannot distinguish between the two in an intermediate state. Good luck.
Some of you will at least remember that it was graduation not too long ago and perhaps be able to recognize your cute little faces being displayed on the following collection of snaps. I actually had these for a while now but due to a certain disagreement between my and Lulu's monitor screen, (I initially edited/processed the photos on the Emperor's Sony Vaio) the photos came out darker on mine than it did on his. (Hmmm? Whats this? Why am I more tanned than usual? Damn worthless sunblock) And thus being the particularly anal person i am about everything I thought I'd transfer and re-do it on mine instead. (Rendering estimation time: 99,452,675 years in comparison) The difference is probably negligible but it helps me sleep more soundly at night so i don't have to wake up screaming, 'NOOOOOO! THE PHOTOS ARE DARK!!!!!'. On that note, do enjoy.
So like, this is the hall you finally get to enter into after 3 years of slavery...
and then be witness to some sort of ritual ceremony where a man in robes lifts his hat off to two people with a sword and a mace in their hands, probably in hopes they that he wont be beheaded. Or maybe its just a routine check to ensure everyone that HE IS BALDING. *run for your lives... it could be infectious.
Meanwhile, there's a media company present which decides, "Damn it. Theres a lot of money to be made from these cash cow students. Especially the international ones. Lets have everything on tape and charge them a liver for it!".
This seems to me like a gathering of Jedi in a temple. The only difference is, none of them are carrying any light sabers and a majority of them probably look as old as master Yoda.
And the cheeky first class student went, "Wheres that bastard photographer? Is he taking my shots or lazying around taking snaps of random women?" (Well i was actually. The woman beside Eugene that is.)
Behold. The device that captures your image on stage as you walk to shake hands with the man in the golden laced black robe. WTF??? ITS A NIKON???? *destroys building
And here lies a pile of certs with the words inside: "Free soft drink and desert with every chicken meal purchased at Nando's. Compliments of Elvin and Ling Ling"
"Today we celebrate at Nandos..." said the Chancellor
And thus we give our round of applause for those on stage. "Wooooooo. COME ON!. SHEVAAA!"
(Refer below) Tip: Start brushing your teeth regularly a week before graduation and polish them with Brasso afterwards. That way you'll have shiny white teeth like these two instead of white hair like the man in the background.
Today the florist goes, "I'm in the monayyyyyyyyyy... I'm in the MONAYYYYYY"
Note: After 3 years of studying, you earn the right to jump like this (refer below) in front of the city hall. Don't worry about those people staring at you at the back. They're just jealous cause they can't jump.
Another opportunity to display your Brasso-ed teeth. Notice how that guy in the far left (refer below) stands out a lil? Tip: When the photographer positions you the furthest from the camera view, smile the widest.
WAHHH. Too bright. Is that Darlie or Colgate?
See that stupid guy using Lulu's cloak to block himself from the sun? Wtf is he doing? Is he retarded? Tip: Stay away from stupid people. Stupidity is infectious.
I'm not sure what these girls are trying to say with that mouth gesture but it should be something along the lines of "Mooooooo" or something like that. The science department is still trying to figure that out.
Tragedy no 1: It so happens that on that day, all the girls injured their right leg and thus couldn't use it to support themselves, thereby lifting it off the ground in display of agony. (I know. It looks like they're smiling but because the photo is so small you can't actually see the tears that are coming out of their eyes)
Said the orange flower: I'm the largest! Said the purple flower: I'm the tallest! (When put in this position) Said the red flower: O yeah? Well screw the both of you. I'm probably the most expensive.
Not sure why the lady is holding her cheeks but I'm sure its some sort of preventive measure or something. Maybe from going *PUFF!
Again, while I'm sure this has been said many times already into complete exhaustion of use, Congratulations!
*Photos can be obtained from yours truly, after i do a final tweak adjustment on those damned turn-out-dark shots. Toodles!
