Summer Memories - The Shoe Deity

Shoes. Sneakers. Boots. 'Selipar Jepun', Stilletoes. etc. The usual footwear which keeps your feet safe from the ground's lurking unknowns: shards, poop, stones, poop, sandy ground and of course, well... poop. I made extra effort in mentioning 'poop' (there it goes again) because we all know damn well how much we hate having it smeared on our lovely footwear. Its like a hideous giant wart or pimple on the ground which causes everyone to go, "EWWWWW POOP!" *stepsaside upon sight.

Regardless of where, people will avoid stepping on poop. There is no such thing as a poop too beautiful or fragrant enough for you to willingly want to step on it. HOWEVER. There are times where the unthinkable happens. You walk down the road daydreaming about that guy/girl you just saw, or perhaps just looking casually at the clouds thinking, "O man, what a beautiful day!", when suddenly you realized your feet just landed on something squishy before touching the ground. (Worse still if you can feet the warmth of it) Oh no. You've just been 'poop-ed'. And of all days where you least expect it to happen, it had to be that day when you have your new pair of armanigoldenlaceddiamondstudded sneakers on. FML.

Well, what you didn't know is, the 'poop-ed' experience which sometimes happens to unlucky victims isn't coincidental. Yes that's right. It isn't. You sometimes 'accidentally' stepped on poop simply because of one factor: You did not pay your respects to the shoe deity.

Shoe Deity - aka shoe god. A supreme being whose character and existence overseas the universal domain on shoes. Note: It is not known if the shoe deity is straight or gay as sometimes we observe some pretty fucked up footwear being worn by 'certain' people.

Yes. The Shoe Deity. One who reigns dominion over 'Shoe Society', a place where shoes go after they wear off and die. (Not to be confused with 'Soul Society' from 'Bleach') If you've never heard of the shoe deity, its probably the reason why poop have been appearing on the paths you walk and the reason why you've been stepping on poop all your life. YOU HAS TA GIV DA RESPECT BABEH. RESPECT. Fortunately for you, I am going to reveal how this is exactly done.

First - As with all known deities, pleasing one is normally done with an offering/sacrifice. So what kind of offering/sacrifice would one offer a Shoe Deity? Foot fetish videos? Shoe deodorants? Hell no. Its shoes of course. Why would a Shoe Deity want anything else?

Pictured below are some of the offerings you can offer to ensure you a poop-ed free year. (Yes, its not a one-off thing. Has to be done yearly. Kinda like taxes) Its acceptable to offer worn out shoes, (since they need to pass on to 'Shoe Society' anyway) but if you feel like offering BRAND NEW shoes, they'd have to be specifically branded (Topman, Armani, Gucci, Nike, Puma or Adidas) and a particular size (Size 9-UK) and offered to a specific address. (Email me for address) The reason for this is so that I... I mean the person staying at the stated address can verify if your offering is acceptable or not.


Next, you'll have to find a 'sacred hanging monument' whereby to offer your shoes. The good thing is, there is one in Heaton, just on the down path after passing through Heaton park. (Picture below) For the ease of explanation, we'll just refer to it from now on as 'The Tree'.


Now, to offer your shoes you'd have to allow it some sort of way to hang on 'The Tree'. The best way so far is to hook them up with shoe laces together so that you can launch them up and tangle them easier. Kinda like this...


Now. Not only is the shoe lace binding method efficient but it also pleases the Shoe Deity. You see, to the Shoe Deity the laces are like noodles. Om nom nom nom nom...


Oh and there is one other thing to keep in mind. The Shoe deity does not favor Manchester United fans. If you're a Man U fan and want to make an offering, you'd have to ask a third party to make an offering in your place as the Shoe Deity will not accept your offering. An example of a Man U fan is below...


"Thats bullshit! How can the shoe deity tell if i'm a Man U fan?" you say? Don't be stupid. The Shoe Deity knows all. "The Tree" is a sacred place and is thus guarded by demon patrol dogs. I don't have a photo of the dogs (because you can't actually capture deity beings on camera) but i can show you a photo of the terrified Man U fan below hanging on to the person with the pokka dot shirt.


Okay. So before 'launching' the offerings up a little warm up is perhaps needed. After all, you don't want to pull a muscle when making an offering. A simple stretch is sufficient.


Next, avoid from being too cocky. Just because you think you can launch your shoe offering in a single attempt doesn't mean you'll succeed. Pictured below is a classic example of that...

Cocky-boy in blue shirt: I'm SOOO skilled im going to get it stuck on the tree in a single try!

Result: Shoe flew way past cocky-boy's head, 20 meters BEHIND. Cocky boy is now has to retrieve back the offering.


Girl in pokka dot shirt: GONG GONG BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And so cocky-boy attempts second launch into 'The Tree'...


Beside 'cocky-boy' is 'uber coolness-maximus boy', who shows him how the launch is REALLY done. (Yes. You can clap now)


Uber coolness-maximus boy's shoes all hanging in the tree from sheer throwing awesomeness.


And finally, after the 43,634,789th attempt, cocky-boy manages to get his shoe offering up on the tree.


And thus concludes the offering. Shoe Deity is now pleased, and you can be sure to have a poop free experience for the rest of the year until your next offering. If you do step on one it could be the Lao Sai Deity you haven't made an offering to. Whats the difference you ask? Well poop is firmer, Lao Sai is not. But there are times when you cannot distinguish between the two in an intermediate state. Good luck.